Welcome to Harvey’s Got a Match. I’m Harvey Wallbanger. Each week, I select one lucky woman from the WTIT Dating Profiles of the Week post, and find her perfect match. My database is vast, my search engines are powerful, and my determination is unlimited.
No matter what a woman’s situation, no matter what her personality, there is someone out there to transform her life from single and happy to not single anymore. I brought these two together over a year ago using my one-point matching criteria–compatibility. It’s the only thing that matters, and these two are just one of more than one examples demonstrating my superior matchmaking skills. Sit back, relax, and enjoy, cause Harvey’s Got a Match!
After careful consideration, I chose Patty as this week’s match challenge.
Patty writes: “Some of the things I mostly enjoy in life is eating.”
The obvious choice, in my professional opinion, amongst a herd of candidates, was Phil.
I interviewed Phil at his home in Little Rock, Arkansas. Phil’s responses are in bold.
Harvey: So, Phil, you’re into boating, are you?
Phil: Oh, yes. Boating is several of the things I for the most part find pleasure in.
Harvey: Um, what are the things you like about it?
Phil: Oh, just one.
Harvey: OK, what is that?
Phil: I like to be on the water at twilight and watch the moon rise.
Harvey: And the tide, I expect.
Phil: Actually, I’m a lake person. It’s very romantic.
Harvey: Still. So your vessel accommodates a woman also?
Phil: No. I’ve got a little dinghy. I just mean romantic in the adventurous sense.
Harvey: I see.
Phil: I could stay out there ’til the cows come home.
Harvey: Yes, well, about your date.
Phil: Oh, yeah. I want you to know I appreciate your efforts, Harvey, but you should know I’m kinda picky about the women I date. I’m willing to give you a shot, though.
Harvey: Well, Phil, that’s big of you.
Phil: I’m a bit of a psychology phenom, you know. I can tell a great deal about a person from casual conversation.
Harvey: Just from chewing the fat.
Phil: That’s right. Now tell me exactly what this woman wrote in her profile.
Harvey: Well? Let’s see. I’ve got it here. OK, she said, and I quote, “Some of the things I mostly enjoy in life is eating.”
Phil: All right. First and foremost, she’s fat.
Harvey: You think?
Phil: Yeah, but she’s not happy about it. See how she says mostly enjoys it? It’s understatement. She’s embarrassed about her love of food. There’s a little insecurity there.
Harvey: That’s bad, huh?
Phil: No, that’s good. It’ll be easy to convince her to give me her desserts.
Harvey: So you’ve got that going for you. She’s got her own boat, too.
Phil: How big is she?
Harvey: Oh, I’d say a little smaller than you.
Phil: That’s good. I don’t like women bigger than I am.
Harvey: Oh, I thought you meant the boat. No, she’s a lot smaller.
Phil: And she still has that insecurity about her weight. Go figure.
Harvey: It went. So do you eat out a lot, Phil?
Phil: Are you serious? Who could afford it? And there’s never enough to eat.
Harvey: Well, how about an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Phil: I’m talking about them.
Phil: You know what the worst thing about being big is?
Phil: Shopping. It’s hard to find stores that cater to my size.
Harvey: Have you tried Farmers Market?
Phil: They sell clothes?
Harvey: Oh, clothes.
Phil: I gave up. I make my own now. I made these pants. Whaddaya think? Not everybody can wear this tint.
Harvey: How many did it sleep?
Phil: What? Do you like the color?
Harvey: Oh, I thought you said…never mind. So, Phil, here’s the deal. Patty would like to entertain you on her boat. Would you like that?
Phil: Yeah, OK. She won’t be happy on my little dinghy, that’s for sure.
Harvey: Well, I don’t get into those aspects of the date, but try to be more optimistic. I’m sure she’ll love you like a rare piece of ham.
Phil: What does that mean?
Harvey: If you can find it, grind it? Sorry, I was being fatuous. Listen, maybe you should see a movie instead.
Phil: Any suggestions?
Harvey: Oh, I dunno. Grazing Arizona?