We are getting pretty damn sick of not having those daily memes we so relied on for the last five years. First it was Thunks. Then DJ KathyA stopped R&R Fridays. The Wednesday Wickedness, poof! I thought we were saved with that Weds-Fri meme, WTF. Then she cried uncle. And finally it was Mayhem. So now what? We’re back to random stealing. This we grabbed from Cat. At Sweet Memes.
Christmas Meme 7
Santa: How Does He Do It?
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| Google nixed removing the warning. |
1. Get down the chimney? The big guy has to relax before the big day. So he attends a rather wild orgy with all the elves and such. The lubricants left over help him slide down the bricks.
2. Deliver presents all over the world? He’s very fast. Even the elves call him “Quick Draw”.
3. Get so fat and still act so jolly? He’s fat because Mrs. Claus still thinks a way to a man’s heart is his stomach. He’s jolly because the elves knows he does not think with his belly.
4. Recruit reindeer for sleigh-pulling lessons? Smirnoff.
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| So, I figured fuck Google. |
5. Provide compensation for elves making toys? I assume he pays a fair wage and provides excellent medical benefits. We know about the benefits HE receives.
6. Stay unseen from the rest of the world? Unseen? You can’t swing a dead cat without hiting him or one of his helpers. Unseen my ass.
7. Candy canes? A lot less fucking sticky.
8. Snow? Snow blows.
9. Stores opening at 5am? This is SO 1990s. Amazon is open 24/7.
10. Winter vacation? Who the fuck can afford that? Oh, right. Congressmen and the 1%.
11. Visiting family & friends? Now that would suck moose!
12. Fake Santas? Helpers, my friend. Lots of fucking helpers. “Fake”? Pfft!
13. Christmas trees? After my second divorce I went a year without one. My (then) 12 year-old daughter Jules gave me a tiny one with little balls. (Sorry, AC/DC.) Each year she gave me lights, then snow and so forth. Then she stopped. God, I miss her.
14. New holiday movies? Nah. There’s WAY too many classics like Debbie Does Santa.
15. Getting holiday greeting cards/email? The last card I sent was in…wait, I’ve never sent one. My ex-wives did. This year Kathy sent a ton. She writes an annual letter that besides a million other things, announced our engagement. Man, did MY cell ring off its proverbial hook!
16. Holiday tunes? As long as I hear John & Yoko’s Happy Xmas (War is Over), I’m a happy guy.
with more holiday shit.
It could be mediocre!
