WTIT: The Blog

Let us begin by saying that this story could be upsetting to the hearing impaired, or weight challenged, or facially ugly challenged and certainly any of their families or friends. If you fall into this category or are very into political correctness, likewise, move on to another blog. The WTIT Blog does not usually issue warnings. Usually Google takes care of that. 

This is tale about turning lemons into lemonade. In high school and college, WDRC was one of our favorite radio stations. On this day during Christmas break, the DJ announced a party planned for that very evening. A “Stewardess Students Convention” was in town with 400 Stewardess Wannabes in attendance. Now, keep in mind that these were the days when airlines had ads on TV that showed a 21 year-old beauty queen who would smile and say, “Hi. I’m Cheryl. Fly me”. It was a very different era, indeed. We called all DJs and I think five of us headed to the old Statler Hilton in Hartford. Killer Joe, Ken Kolt, Johnnie Walker, Bouncing Billy and I attended these festivities. Naturally, we expected the ladies to look like the image on the left. We couldn’t wait to get there!

This was the cruelest joke on all concerned. Yes, there were 400 females. Yes, they needed many, many guys to even the odds at this dance. There was one really bad part. These ladies were all overweight and ugly. They had about as much chance of being a stewardess (remember the era) as flying to the moon by jumping really high. At one point Billy turned to me and said “Plan B.” I asked what that would be. Billy decided we should try to sneak past all the hotel security to find some of these student-stewardesses in their rooms. I pondered this, “That won’t make them pretty.” I pointed out. Billy said I was overlooking the obvious.

“I give up, what am I not seeing?” I asked. Billy went on, “First of all, we probably will get caught and thrown out of here long before we see another student-stewardess. It is a challenge. Can we do it? Secondly, if we are alone with them in their rooms, does it matter that they aren’t gorgeous? And most importantly, it has got to be better than walking around at this stupid dance.” All at once Bill had appealed to my sense of adventure, my lust and it did have to beat the shit out of staying at the “Ugly Fat Student-Stewardess Ball”. We were climbing the mountain, because it was there.

Bouncing Billy and I snuck past the first guard stationed at the elevators. The guard was really too easy. Billy asked him to show him how to get to the lobby. The guard said, “Follow me.” We didn’t. Now we were in the elevator. We picked a floor at random, since the hotel was filled with student-stewardesses. There was plenty of activity in the hallway, so the girls were easy to spot. In a moment’s notice Billy leans over to me and states, “We need an angle, ya know, to get invited into a room.” I told Bouncing Billy to follow my lead.

“Hi, Ladies.” I said to no one in particular. A student-stewardess told me if the guards caught us we would have to leave. (No shit, Sherlock.) I explained that my poor friend was deaf, so the dance wasn’t holding much for him. A group of four girls said they would love to get to know us, but we had to follow them into their room. From conception this plan worked and took ten minutes.

When the four student-stewardesses got into the room they began asking me questions to ask my deaf friend, Billy. I made believe to sign the words and Billy would sign me back. I use “sign” very loosely, since I only knew the alphabet and Billy knew none of it. Almost every “sign” would include us flipping the bird at each other. As it turned out, not only were student-stewardesses fat and ugly, but also they were as dumb as rocks.

As the questions got even more tedious, someone asked what was Billy’s favorite activity. After Billy and I did the “signs”, I realized how bored I was getting to be. So I answered that Billy’s favorite activity was to listen to the radio. You might think just one student-stewardess might realize deaf people and radios are not always a big match. Nope, their next question was, “What’s his favorite station?” At this point we both lost it. We are laughing and crying. Billy interrupts to say, “Oh my god. I can hear. It is a true miracle.” He pointed at the fattest student-stewardess and continued, “Your voice was the first I ever heard. I think I love you”. At which time he jumped off the bed we were sitting on to hug and kiss (and “thank”) the big girl. The girls were actually good sports and asked what bit we would pull on the next group. “That’s easy,” I said, (now remember Billy’s picture…a poster child for an Irish lad) “in the next room Billy is going to speak only Spanish.” The big girl asked, “Do you guys speak Spanish”. I said “Of course, just as well as we “sign”…”

3. What are some traits that you admire in a lover? Loyalty, morality and great ta-tas.

4. Could you adjust to life in another country? As long it wasn’t say, Afghanistan, I’d think it would be an excellent adventure.

5. If you could study anything, what would it be? Threesomes 203, advanced level.

6. What is your favorite possession that cost less than $15? Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I read the news today, oh boy…

7. Which color do you wear most often? I’m big on black.

8. What has been your “theme song”, or favorite song this summer? Fuck You by Cee Lo Green.

9. What’s the most romantic thing that’s ever been said to you? “That was fantastic! Okay if I leave your fee on the night table?”

10. What would be your dream birthday cake? A friend’s wife made me a Boston Cream Pie cake one year. I found it delicious. My wife at the time was not amused. It ended the friendship she had with the woman and ultimately mine with the husband. And for the record, I did not have sex with that woman.

11. What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done? Changing the nut jobs picture (of the person that we stole the meme from) in Stealing yesterday. I could not believe her comments. I think the stupidest one was “(For the record, I am a minor, so I do find it kind of creepy when people do things like [posting my picture without permission.]. Not saying you’re creepy, but as I said it has been an issue in the past so it hit a nerve.)” You’d think I posted it on a fucking porn blog.