1) A magazine, newspaper, or website just offered to give you your own advice column. In what area of life do you advise people, and what is your column called? Funny that you ask. I do a feature (that I admit is long overdue for a return) where I respond to my reader’s questions. I call it Just the Facts. Here’s an example:
2) If your favorite celebrity endorses a product, are you more likely to buy whatever it is? As everyone knows, I love everything Beatles. So much so, I bought Yoko’s first album and tried to convince myself that it was really good. A neighbor knocked on my door. She asked what the hell I was listening to. I told her. She laughed so hard that she fell down.
3) In what way do you reward yourself for your accomplishments? I don’t generally have to reward myself, I let my neighbors the French twins, do that. You have no idea how good an award can be until French twins reward you.
4) If you could only pick two of the following attributes to have — being intelligent, good looking, or emotionally stable — which two would you pick? Bye, bye emotionally stable!
5) On ABC Family’s show “State of Georgia,” a man is seen sliding down a department store’s escalator while wearing lingerie. What is the weirdest thing you’ve seen in a store? I’m in liquor stores all day so I see weirdness every minute. I think the scariest was watching a school bus drive up to a liquor store and the driver get out and buy nips. If the bus weren’t empty I would have taken down the plate and dialed 911.
6) If you owned an airplane that can do skywriting, what message would it write across the sky today? Fuck the Tea Party.
8) Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you because of something you once did to a duck. Are you ever afraid that you’re being watched? I know I’m being watched. But, when you are as great as I am, you’ve got to expect exes never getting over you.
9) What are some things people should never do in public? I think the site People of Wal*Mart sums it up.
10) What is something you’ve never seen in a vending machine that you wish you could buy out of one? Parachutes. You never know when you’re gonna run into a cliff. We’re back with Crazy Sam. Join us.