>Every Saturday WTIT: The Blog brings you a meme called Saturday 9. It’s not to say that this is a bright idea, but it is what we do. A woman named Crazy Sam started this meme because a prior popular Saturday meme specialist Lola had retired. So, Sam contacted all Lola’s participants and invited us to participate in her meme. Let’s begin!
Saturday 9: Sex as a Weapon
1. Have you or a significant other ever used sex as a weapon? I always found it ironic that Pat sang “Sex as a Weapon”. I mean really. Men don’t have the willpower to do that shit. But then I found out that Benatar’s boyfriend wrote the song. It made more sense. As far as a someone using sex to manipulate me, I really can’t recall that happening. But I’ve tended to be with rather sexually oriented women. I know, lucky me.
2. Tell us about the worst date you ever went on. This is yet another episode of my habit of dating incredibly weird women. And yes, it might be a case of “Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know it’s our own damn fault.” (©Jimmy Buffett) Although I believe most adult dating is SO radically different than say, during your teens and twenties. It was no longer surprising when I have an unusual date, au contraire, I was shocked when I have a good one. I suppose am very lucky to have met my great lady and looking forward to what the future will bring.
There are singles dances every Saturday in the Hartford area. At one time it was part of my regular routine, now of course I’m not single anymore. But this was then. At the end of a particular night consisting of a busy night of dancing and enjoying myself, I saw the woman of my dreams. I gathered up the courage to walk over to meet her. (Okay, those who know me realize that this is a lie. I am very comfortable meeting people.) Our eyes met, she smiled, “It’s the last dance, would you care to join me?” She thought for a second and responded, “Yes. My name is Dawn”. I walked to her car, got her phone number, and made my exit, stage left.
I called Dawn on Tuesday. Phone numbers are like fruit. If you don’t use them quickly, they tend to rot. “Remember me, I met you two weeks ago” is a death call. There are easier ways to get shot down or commit suicide. Hara-kiri comes to mind. Dawn answered the phone and it was became obvious that she had a girlfriend over. To every question I asked she requested me to “Hold on.” Then Dawn would cover the phone before responding. “We need to meet somewhere,” Dawn insisted. I am never one to argue this point. It is a smart thing for a woman to do. Dawn’s friend insisted on this point, but neglected to make sure Dawn understood “Why” to meet a date and not have a guy pick you up. Dawn asked if I’d meet her at, now get this one, at a gas station.
So there I was, sitting at a Mobil station in Plainville to meet Dawn. Dawn was right on time, which was 5:30. Here comes the part about Dawn not “getting it.” Dawn said “Hi” and then said, “We are so close to my apartment, let’s drop my car off.” Okay, then. Dawn asks me to follow her and we are dealing with rush hour traffic. She jumps into traffic and drives off, not stopping to see if I followed. Yes, all the red flags are up now, but remember this is a beautiful, sexy woman. I waited until she returned. “You didn’t follow me.” “Dawn,” I responded, “My car does not fly. How did you expect me to follow you?” Dawn said, “There was too much traffic, I had no choice. There is an Italian restaurant next to the gas station. Would you like to go there?” I answered in the affirmative.We are seated at what is a pizza joint not an Italian restaurant., Billy Joel did not write, “Bottle of red, bottle of white” about this hell hole. Dawn orders a wine. I assume it is a beer/wine place so I ordered a Budweiser. Now begins the adventure. Here’s the dialog:
Dawn: Bud, Dawn needs to know something. (“Oh my God,” I thought, “she is talking in the third person.”) Dawn knows that she is a great catch for Bud. She is young, pretty and bright. Now Dawn does understand that Bud has four children. Dawn would like to get very serious with Bud. Would Bud have a child with Dawn?
Bud: Could we have dinner first?
Dawn: Dawn thinks Bud is a very funny man. But seriously, would Bud have a child with Dawn?
Bud: (I am very experienced with this type of question. I had been single for all but three years since 1990.) Dawn, yes I have four kids. I love kids. Why wouldn’t I have another?
Dawn: Dawn thinks this is REALLY encouraging. Dawn thinks that she and Bud will be together a long time.
Bud: (Now if she means that I’ll probably eat my grinder before leaving, than “yes.” It will be a LONG time) Waitress!
Waitress: Yes, Sir.
Bud: Do you have any real alcohol here?
Waitress: Why yes, sir. What can I get you?
Bud: Smirnoff Vodka, please.
Waitress: With what?
Bud: A glass and some ice. And quickly, very quickly.
Dawn: Dawn is SO happy this is going so well!!
I had another Smirnoff and paid the check. When we got outside Dawn asked, “Would Bud like to see Dawn’s apartment?” I paused, smiled and said, “Dawn, as you said, this went so well, why spoil it?” “Okay,” Dawn smiled, “When Bud picks up Dawn next time, he can see the apartment.” I am sure you are shocked. There turned out not to be a “next time”. Every word here is exactly as it happened. And yes, (for you very LONG time readers) I ripped this true story from an old post. But old posts are like fine wine. And I enjoy the story much more now that I found love again with partner in crime, Kathy.
3. If you were a god/goddess who would you be? Min, the Egyptian God of Sex. I have no idea why, but I will go with it.
4. What crime from history fascinates you the most? Bonnie and Clyde. Mostly because I loved both the song and the movie.
5. Give us one random, but candid fact about you. The worse lie and most hurtful thing ever done to me was by an ex-wife. While it backfired miserably on her, I will never forgive the evil that must have been a part of her to attempt such a hurtful, spiteful ruse. I will never speak to her again.
6. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? Several folks do. My lady Kathy and I spend a lot of time laughing and I do believe it contributes strongly to the bond that is so strong between us. WTIT DJs (and BFFs) Harvey Wallbanger, Johnnie Walker, and Rock Rolling get me going quite a bit. And my dad, Bierne and I can get on a roll laughing until my sides hurt.
7. What is the most exciting adventure you’ve ever been part of?
Let us begin by saying that this story could be upsetting to the hearing impaired, or weight challenged, or facially ugly challenged and certainly any of their families or friends. If you fall into this category or are very into political correctness, likewise, move on to a post that was written by someone who has lead a somewhat less adventurous life. This story is called “The Ugly Fat Stewardess’ Ball”. WTIT: The Blog does not usually issue warnings. Usually Google takes care of that.
This is tale about turning lemons into lemonade. In high school and college, WDRC was one of our favorite radio stations. On this day during Christmas break, the DJ announced a party planned for that very evening. A “Stewardess Students Convention” was in town with 400 Stewardess Wannabes in attendance. Now, keep in mind that these were the days when airlines had ads on TV that showed a 21 year-old beauty queen who would smile and say, “Hi. I’m Cheryl. Fly me”. It was a very different era, indeed. We called all DJs and I think five of us headed to the old Statler Hilton in Hartford. Killer Joe, Ken Kolt, Johnnie Walker, Bouncing Billy and I attended these festivities. Naturally, we expected the ladies to look like the image on the left. We couldn’t wait to get there!
This was the cruelest joke on all concerned. Yes, there were 400 females. Yes, they needed many, many guys to even the odds at this dance. There was one really bad part. These ladies were all overweight and ugly. They had about as much chance of being a stewardess (remember the era) as flying to the moon by jumping really high. At one point Billy turned to me and said “Plan B.” I asked what that would be. Billy decided we should try to sneak past all the hotel security to find some of these student-stewardesses in their rooms. I pondered this, “That won’t make them pretty.” I pointed out. Billy said I was overlooking the obvious.
“I give up, what am I not seeing?” I asked. Billy went on, “First of all, we probably will get caught and thrown out of here long before we see another student-stewardess. It is a challenge. Can we do it? Secondly, if we are alone with them in their rooms, does it matter that they aren’t gorgeous? And most importantly, it has got to be better than walking around at this stupid dance.” All at once Bill had appealed to my sense of adventure, my lust and it did have to beat the shit out of staying at the “Ugly Fat Student-Stewardess Ball”. We were climbing the mountain, because it was there.
Bouncing Billy and I snuck past the first guard stationed at the elevators. The guard was really too easy. Billy asked him to show him how to get to the lobby. The guard said, “Follow me.” We didn’t. Now we were in the elevator. We picked a floor at random, since the hotel was filled with student-stewardesses. There was plenty of activity in the hallway, so the girls were easy to spot. In a moment’s notice Billy leans over to me and states, “We need an angle, ya know, to get invited into a room.” I told Bouncing Billy to follow my lead.
“Hi, Ladies.” I said to no one in particular. A student-stewardess told me if the guards caught us we would have to leave. (No shit, Sherlock.) I explained that my poor friend was deaf, so the dance wasn’t holding much for him. A group of four girls said they would love to get to know us, but we had to follow them into their room. From conception this plan worked and took ten minutes.
When the four student-stewardesses got into the room they began asking me questions to ask my deaf friend, Billy. I made believe to sign the words and Billy would sign me back. I use “sign” very loosely, since I only knew the alphabet and Billy knew none of it. Almost every “sign” would include us flipping the bird at each other. As it turned out, not only were student-stewardesses fat and ugly, but also they were as dumb as rocks.
As the questions got even more tedious, someone asked what was Billy’s favorite activity. After Billy and I did the “signs”, I realized how bored I was getting to be. So I answered that Billy’s favorite activity was to listen to the
radio. You might think just one student-stewardess might realize deaf people and radios are not always a big match. Nope, their next question was, “What’s his favorite station?” At this point we both lost it. We are laughing and crying. Billy interrupts to say, “Oh my god. I can hear. It is a true miracle.” He pointed at the fattest student-stewardess and continued, “Your voice was the first I ever heard. I think I love you”. At which time he jumped off the bed we were sitting on to hug and
kiss (and “thank”) the big girl. The girls were actually good sports and asked what bit we would pull on the next group. “That’s easy,” I said, (now remember Billy’s picture…a poster child for an Irish lad) “in the next room Billy is going to speak only Spanish.” The big girl asked, “Do you guys speak Spanish”. I said “Of course, just as well as we “sign”…”
|My dad and I at my sister’s wedding last August.
8. Among the people you know, who would you choose to be able to read all your thoughts? My dad and my BFF Harvey Wallbanger have the best reads on me. But I am rather complicated. It does take a while to make sense of it all. But chose to read them? Nope.
9. How old were you when you realized that other people’s families live totally differently from yours? I was 10. I was invited to my neighbor’s home for dinner. When the beverage came out the father yelled, “Me first!” I still can’t shake that feeling of weirdness to this day. We’re back with Stealing.
We’re glad that you stopped by.Enjoy your weekend.WTIT: The Blog will return tomorrow with
Judd Corizan and hisIcelandic Seal Review.
Join us for Sunday Stealing!
Same time. Same blog.