Cheers to all of us thieves!
1. My neighbors, who are French twins, have told me that I am the finest lover ever.
2. While on vacation, I once rescued a woman who had fallen overboard in her boat by blowing up balloons and putting them under her arms.
3. I turned down a chance, back in the day, to be in Playgirl’s Great DJs edition.
4. I won a huge pot in poker at Mohegan Sun about four years ago. I gave the money to charity. It was called “Our Sisters of The Tiny Breasts”. They give implants free for poor women in need.
5. I could have been a contender.
6. I write the most read blog on the Internet. But it isn’t this one.
7. I never lie. So I have to say some of these answers were exaggerated. A bit.
1. More money. I hate to say it, but you can’t have enough.
2. I still want to own a radio station.
3. I want a custom built computer so that WTIT can record digitally again.
4. I want to live in a house with Kathy.
5. I’d like to reconcile a very special relationship.
6. I’d take perfecting a few more skills for my job.
7. Jill Hennessy.
1. Bad drivers. You know what I mean. Anybody but yourself.
2. Moet Hennessy. They make the ONLY 100% proof premium vodka. But it doesn’t say that in its logo. It’s marketed as Belvedere Intense. Really, Belvedere Dence is more like it.
3. Ex-wifes. Or ex-anything if you will. I still am pissed that I put up with my ex-housekeeper. You know, the one I called “hot”. Oh, right. That was it.
4. Outsourced call centers. Do I have to say more?
5. Drunk girlfriends of your neighbor. At least keep the bloodshed spilling in your own place.
6. Cops. I know the are heroes. But have you ever had one that was a dick? Mostly, I know.
7. Any woman who says, “Not now.” It should be fucking outlawed.
1. Write that book about analyzing The Beatles’ lyrics.
2. Try to sell my abilities in comedy. I should be writing sitcoms.
3. Tell the people I love, that I love them enough.
4. Remember that my neighbor’s wife’s husband (I know. I just had to do it.) comes home.
5. Grocery shop. Well it’s not neglected unless someone makes you do it. Right? C’mon, show of hands!
6. Get my hair cut on time. It’s always when it’s way too nasty and then my hairdresser moves without telling me but I still go there and get stuck for an hour in her ex-parking lot.
7. But almost I found her a fucking week later.
1. White fish.
4. Ketel One.
6.Loaded baked potato.
1. Let them talk, occasionally.
2. Don’t make a date with two women on the same night. Unless they know about it.
3. Always ask “When does ‘he’ get home?” If there is a “he”, you’ll know.
4. If you want them to leave, but you want them to decide it. Turn on a game. Of anything, sure.
5. At first with sisters, keep them in separate rooms. 6. Keep saying “excuse-me-me” and go to the other room.
7. Save yourself for marriage. Of course that is stupid. But poof! The last fucking question is answered. As always, Monday Mayhem with my friend Harriet is tomorrow.