1. ‘A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Almost all of them. But I catch myself being stupid at times as well. I used to never ask a woman out again if we didn’t have sex on the first date. But I’m older and wiser now. I wait TWICE as long. But no sex on the second date? No way, Jose.
2. “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Pregnancy. I knew that woman might get me knocked up!
3. “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
Credit cards. I mean they have all those fun commercials AND they want payment? Some people, ya know?
4. “Humor is reason gone mad.”
When Random Boredom (a meme) threw me out they said I might corrupt their player’s purity. So put me down for “corruptible” humor. Oh, and put Lid down as a fucking asshole.
5. “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
People? Never. Teams? Yes. I’m a UConn fan. We just want to beat the other guys. We won last night.
6. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
No, I’ve grown attached to it.
7. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
The point of you asking the fucking question? No. The point of marriage is according the individuals involved. Me? No, divorce lawyers have got to find another fool.
8. “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”
I don’t drink coffee. I don’t wait in lines. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t wait in lines. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t wait in lines.
9. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.”
Only the ones who don’t talk to you. See, it’s this way: Everybody lies. But it’s alright cuz nobody listens.
10. “Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”
No, but sometimes I thought that the wife could have gone out more. And never returning would have been a huge plus. See you for Thunks!
We will return with Thunks.
Whether you are ready or not.