The Grand Opening Sale

Posted by Bud Weiser, WTIT on October 30, 2008

Posted in: Harvey's Got a Match. 30 Comments

Welcome to Harvey’s Got a Match. I’m Harvey Wallbanger. Each week, I select one lucky woman from the WTIT Dating Profiles of the Week post, and find her perfect match. My database is vast, my search engines are powerful, and my determination is unlimited.

No matter what a woman’s situation, no matter what her personality, there is someone out there to transform her life from single and happy to not single anymore. I brought these two together over a year ago using my one-point matching criteria–compatibility. It’s the only thing that matters, and these two are just one of more than one examples demonstrating my superior matchmaking skills.

This week, and every week, sit back, relax, and enjoy, cause Harvey’s Got a Match!

Being the first day of Harvey’s Got a Match, I thought it would be appropriate to have a Grand Opening Sale. This week, I have found ideal men for TWO women, and whereas you will ordinarily get to read about just one match for nothing, this week you get TWO for nothing.

My first matchmaking miracle was for Crystal, who writes:
“Live each day as if it was your last because you never know if tomorrow will come.”
My unquestionable choice for Crystal is Randolph.

Randolph’s pastimes included reading Ben Franklin, Confucius, Jesus, Tibetan Times, Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower, Gone with the Wind, Star Trek, and NRA Monthly.

Randolph writes:

“Tomorrow will come, but it might not.”
“When tomorrow cometh, ye should live as if it hadenteth.”
“Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow someone may say of you, “He’s dead, Jim.”
“Tomorrow begins the year of the Rooster, let us be silent, and speak only truth.”
“A penny saved is a penny earned. You not save, you be solly tomolo.”
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can get off my ship today.”
“Live each moment in righteousness, for He is watching, even though you can’t see him because of the cloaking device.”
“If your neighbor slaps you today, turn the other cheek. Tomorrow, shoot his ass.”
“You never know if tomorrow will come. That is not logical.”
“Give a man a fish, and you feed him today. Teach a man to fish, and HE WILL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN. I can’t think about that now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
“Today I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I’m takin’ my dog, so it’ll be two to beam up.”

Our second winner is Beatrice, who writes:
“I’m crazy about Nascar, Harleys, football, drag racing, blues, country, oldies and Motown.”
For Beatrice, we have Melville.

Melville writes:
Ahm lookin fer a gurl hoo kin shayr sum o mah fayvorit thins. Ah wud lahk a gurl hoo haz n apreesheeashun fer da fahner thins in lahf. F’rinsins, rayse carin ‘n futbal. Ah wud be ok if she had a hankrin’ to go along, but if she wanted t’do chores wahl ah wint, that maht be eeven bedder. Cuz it kin be espensiv fer too peepl. But ah gess if ah rilly lahkd her, ah cud pik up n xtra shift at d’Waffl howse.

Now, sumtahms, sum o d’naybers cum over n play d banjo on d porch. Mah frayend Buferd, he is blak n he lahks t’play dem ol toons, lahk stuf frum d’soopreems, n uder blak stuf, ya no, Stop n d naym o God, n R-E-S-P-See Me Pee, n, ya no, d Ten Tashuns n dat stuf. He duz a liddl rap, but ah don git it. Inyway, ah wud lahk a gurl hoo wud injoy joynin us n bringin d food.

Now, mah frind Goober, he lahks d blooz. He must, cuz he iz alwayz depressd as sheeit. Ah wud lahk a gurl hoo wud tell him t go home.

Ah lahk Harlees, n ah want a ritch gurl hoo wud git me wun.
Now ah don bileev in no bayerfut n pregnint filosifee. Cuz den yer feet er derty win y’cum t’bed.

N ah lahk awal the sheeit n d howse kleen.

Now sum fokes lahk a gurl hoo iz sifistikated, but ah jist want a regler gurl. Dem sity gurls aint nutin but trubl. Ah had me wun, n she up n lift me fer sum mayin from Nashvil. But not bfor she kleend owt mah lahf sayvins frum d Waffl howse. It wuz ovr a hundrid dollers. Ah wuz gunna uze it t git mah granma a new howse, n now she has t liv wid me, n ah hav t sleep on d floower. N mah bak hurts, n it’s hard t empti d trash at d Waffl howse, n ahm afeerd ah cud git fahrd.
So, in clowsin, ah wil jist say, ah want sumwun lahk doly pardin, hoo wil be a wun mayin wumin, n gimme sumthin t play wid win d tv aint werkin.

That does it for the premiere edition

of Harvey’s Got a Match. Bud Weiser

and The WTIT Blog will return tomorrow

with Crazy Sam and her Saturday 9.

Join us. Same time. Same blog.

30 comments on “The Grand Opening Sale”

Lizza on October 31, 2008 at 12:05 AM said:

I had to read Melville’s words out loud to fully understand them; my dog looked at me like I was crazy.

“If your neighbor slaps you today, turn the other cheek. Tomorrow, shoot his ass.”

Hahahahaaa, that’s priceless advice.

Welcome to blogworld, Harvey. Glad you’re here to make it crazier.

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Crushed on October 31, 2008 at 12:23 AM said:

Beatrice sounds like my kind of girl.

i’d love to meet her.

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A Blog In The Rough on October 31, 2008 at 5:23 AM said:

Very funny! Glad you could spread owt da lafturd wiff us all owt ere in blogland.

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Through Thick and Thin on October 31, 2008 at 7:19 AM said:

Welcome Harvey – look forward to getting to know you better…..

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Dawn on October 31, 2008 at 7:28 AM said:

Welcome Harvey!
After reading Melville….
N mah head hurts!

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Shannon H. on October 31, 2008 at 8:04 AM said:

Hello Harvey!! Nice to meet you!

Melville looks like my ex-husband…such a loser LOL.

Happy Halloween!

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Sandee (Comedy +) on October 31, 2008 at 8:59 AM said:

Good grief…This is plain scary as heck. Bwahahahahaha. Have a great Halloween and weekend Bud. 🙂

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Jodi on October 31, 2008 at 12:09 PM said:

Great to meet you Harvey, Matchmaker Extraordinarre.

Maybe you can find a girl for Goober next? So him & Melville can double-date.

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Bond on October 31, 2008 at 12:38 PM said:

TWO Star Trek references from Randolph??????

TWO?

No way is any girl going out with him with TWO references….sheesh

Nice start there Banger…I am a friend of Bud’s so I figure I can call ya Banger…ya know…like we are buds too! .. Not bud…but buds…ya know like friends…buddies…get it?

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Bond on October 31, 2008 at 12:38 PM said:

TWO Star Trek references from Randolph??????

TWO?

No way is any girl going out with him with TWO references….sheesh

Nice start there Banger…I am a friend of Bud’s so I figure I can call ya Banger…ya know…like we are buds too! .. Not bud…but buds…ya know like friends…buddies…get it?

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Kwizgiver on October 31, 2008 at 2:00 PM said:

There is someone for everyone. Lord have mercy.

😉

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 2:59 PM said:

Lizza

Thanks for the welcome. I have new screaming neighbors from India and I’m trying to get one of them to slap me so I can take my own advice.

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:01 PM said:

Crushed

Route 5 through podunk. Third dirt road on the left.

Y’all come back now, hear?

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:03 PM said:

Ruff

Ah bleev yoo aint spelin yer naym raht. But thaynks fer d note

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:07 PM said:

TT&T

Thanks. I'm looking forward to getting to know me better, too. So far I feel a little like Randolph.

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:10 PM said:

Thanks, Dawn

I’ll put out a disclaimer about the headaches.

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:13 PM said:

Hey Shannon

Nice to meet you, too. So you were in the Hick Hubby Club, were you?

Happy Halloween back!

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:15 PM said:

Sandee

Skyuwz d feer. Ahl ad it ta d disklaymer.

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:18 PM said:

Jodi

Good to meet you, too. I can just imagine that double date. Can you say Hee Haw?

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:22 PM said:

Bond

Banger? I hardly know her. Nice touch with the double posts about the two references. Was that on purpose?

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:22 PM said:

Bond

Banger? I hardly know her. Nice touch with the double posts about the two references. Was that on purpose?

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 3:27 PM said:

Kwiz

I believe there is. Thanks for stopping by.

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Kimber on October 31, 2008 at 4:57 PM said:

Nice stuff Harvey! 🙂

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Mimi Lenox on October 31, 2008 at 5:14 PM said:

Melville should have taken his life savings of $100 and bought a Dolly Partin blow-up doll for company before the sophisticated girl ran off with his money. It would have saved him some trouble and filled his nights with “sumthin to t play wid” too!

Now he’ll have to spend his life at the Waffle house with the rest of the flat pancakes of the world.
What was he thinking??!

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 7:16 PM said:

Kimber

Tell Bud. Maybe he’ll give me a raise. No, never mind. He’ll say, “How does 50% sound.” And that would be nothing.

Thanks for checking out the post. And thanks for the note.

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on October 31, 2008 at 7:20 PM said:

Mimi

I think you should take up backwoods financial planning. Y’all got a knack for it. I’m not sure the blow-up doll would work for Melville, though. He doesn’t want sophisticated, but according to him, “Ah stil lahk em ejukated.”

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Starrlight on November 1, 2008 at 9:30 AM said:

I am with Bond, ya had me with the two Trekkie references. I go on record as being a Trek Girl not a Wars Girl.

All was good until the WaHo line. Then I shed bitter Yankee tears due to my lack of chicken and eggs =(

Nice matchmakin ;0

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Harvey Wallbanger, WTIT on November 1, 2008 at 5:54 PM said:

Starrlight Starrbright
I’d help you out with the chicken and eggs, but with the delivery, I’m sure which comes first.

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Bond on November 3, 2008 at 11:41 AM said:

Gee…I am not sure if that was on purpose or not

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Bond on November 3, 2008 at 11:41 AM said:

Gee…I am not sure if that was on purpose or not

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