Welcome to Harvey’s Got a Match. I’m Harvey Wallbanger. Each week, I select one lucky woman from the WTIT Dating Profiles of the Week post, and find her perfect match. My database is vast, my search engines are powerful, and my determination is unlimited.

No matter what a woman’s situation, no matter what her personality, there is someone out there to transform her life from single and happy to not single anymore. I brought these two together over a year ago using my one-point matching criteria–compatibility. It’s the only thing that matters, and these two are just one of more than one examples demonstrating my superior matchmaking skills.

This week, and every week, sit back, relax, and enjoy, cause Harvey’s Got a Match!

Being the first day of Harvey’s Got a Match, I thought it would be appropriate to have a Grand Opening Sale. This week, I have found ideal men for TWO women, and whereas you will ordinarily get to read about just one match for nothing, this week you get TWO for nothing.

My first matchmaking miracle was for Crystal, who writes:
“Live each day as if it was your last because you never know if tomorrow will come.”
My unquestionable choice for Crystal is Randolph.

Randolph’s pastimes included reading Ben Franklin, Confucius, Jesus, Tibetan Times, Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower, Gone with the Wind, Star Trek, and NRA Monthly.

Randolph writes:

“Tomorrow will come, but it might not.”
“When tomorrow cometh, ye should live as if it hadenteth.”
“Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow someone may say of you, “He’s dead, Jim.”
“Tomorrow begins the year of the Rooster, let us be silent, and speak only truth.”
“A penny saved is a penny earned. You not save, you be solly tomolo.”
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can get off my ship today.”
“Live each moment in righteousness, for He is watching, even though you can’t see him because of the cloaking device.”
“If your neighbor slaps you today, turn the other cheek. Tomorrow, shoot his ass.”
“You never know if tomorrow will come. That is not logical.”
“Give a man a fish, and you feed him today. Teach a man to fish, and HE WILL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN. I can’t think about that now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
“Today I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I’m takin’ my dog, so it’ll be two to beam up.”

Our second winner is Beatrice, who writes:
“I’m crazy about Nascar, Harleys, football, drag racing, blues, country, oldies and Motown.”
For Beatrice, we have Melville.

Melville writes:
Ahm lookin fer a gurl hoo kin shayr sum o mah fayvorit thins. Ah wud lahk a gurl hoo haz n apreesheeashun fer da fahner thins in lahf. F’rinsins, rayse carin ‘n futbal. Ah wud be ok if she had a hankrin’ to go along, but if she wanted t’do chores wahl ah wint, that maht be eeven bedder. Cuz it kin be espensiv fer too peepl. But ah gess if ah rilly lahkd her, ah cud pik up n xtra shift at d’Waffl howse.

Now, sumtahms, sum o d’naybers cum over n play d banjo on d porch. Mah frayend Buferd, he is blak n he lahks t’play dem ol toons, lahk stuf frum d’soopreems, n uder blak stuf, ya no, Stop n d naym o God, n R-E-S-P-See Me Pee, n, ya no, d Ten Tashuns n dat stuf. He duz a liddl rap, but ah don git it. Inyway, ah wud lahk a gurl hoo wud injoy joynin us n bringin d food.

Now, mah frind Goober, he lahks d blooz. He must, cuz he iz alwayz depressd as sheeit. Ah wud lahk a gurl hoo wud tell him t go home.

Ah lahk Harlees, n ah want a ritch gurl hoo wud git me wun.
Now ah don bileev in no bayerfut n pregnint filosifee. Cuz den yer feet er derty win y’cum t’bed.

N ah lahk awal the sheeit n d howse kleen.

Now sum fokes lahk a gurl hoo iz sifistikated, but ah jist want a regler gurl. Dem sity gurls aint nutin but trubl. Ah had me wun, n she up n lift me fer sum mayin from Nashvil. But not bfor she kleend owt mah lahf sayvins frum d Waffl howse. It wuz ovr a hundrid dollers. Ah wuz gunna uze it t git mah granma a new howse, n now she has t liv wid me, n ah hav t sleep on d floower. N mah bak hurts, n it’s hard t empti d trash at d Waffl howse, n ahm afeerd ah cud git fahrd.
So, in clowsin, ah wil jist say, ah want sumwun lahk doly pardin, hoo wil be a wun mayin wumin, n gimme sumthin t play wid win d tv aint werkin.

That does it for the premiere edition

of Harvey’s Got a Match. Bud Weiser

and The WTIT Blog will return tomorrow

with Crazy Sam and her Saturday 9.

Join us. Same time. Same blog.