Is it harder to bank now, or is it easier? I thought of opening a new account recently. The bank was named after some dude named Gary Ian Stephony. They are new to my area, so they had a big push for free checking and said they offered “the best rates in town”. I expected that they would call themselves “Stephony Bank” since the guy’s full name is a mouthful. When I entered I heard welcome to GIS Bank. Now I know you are thinking, yea, so what? The way is in
how they pronounce it. You’d think GIS would have a hard “G” like Gary and rhyme with say, “miss” as though it were spelled Giss. They use a soft “G” and it rhymes with “his”. Welcome to “Giz” bank? Yes. I had gone through the looking glass and felt that I was on the set of an “R” rated or “X” rated movie. I should have run out screaming at this point, but first I had to stop laughing. The woman who turned out to be the branch manager was not amused. This is just a wild guess, but I think she has been met with my type of response previously. Ever the professional she whizzed us (sorry I had to say that) to her office.

Of course, I am assuming it’s her office. Bank offices are so sterile it really is hard to tell. She asked how she could help me. I explained that I had seen the TV ad that said they offered “free checking and the best rates in town”. “Let’s get the checking account started,” she suggested. I looked at her name on her bank’s identification pin. “Ms. Puzzi,” I began, “I am more interested in your long term CD rates right now.” She smiled, “it is 4.1%.” “Oh,” I began, “they are not the best rates in town.” She gave me a stern look, “What does your bank give you at present?” I responded, “4.76%.” “Which bank is it?” she asked. I was puzzled. “Why would you advertise that you had the best rates in town, if YOU don’t know what you competitors charge?” I asked. “Sir, I am not from the advertising department. So what bank is it?” I am beginning to question my own sanity at this point. “If I tell you would you give me the same rate?” I inquired. “I am not an officer of the bank, so I can’t make that type of decision.” Now I know she doesn’t do advertising and I am pretty sure she did not own the bank. “So I give you the info, and then what?” I am sounding a tad sarcastic by this point. “You can’t change the ads. You can’t change the rates. Other than that whole “Welcome to GIS”, what is it that you do here?”

“Can I be honest with you, sir?” she asked. “Better than lying, I guess. Sure,” I responded. “This bank sucks. And yes I know the irony of our name and what I just said. Our short term rates are 5.1%, as an example.” “And you didn’t tell me?” I was baffled, “Why not?” “The board wants you to commit longer and pay you less,” Ms. Puzzi whispered. “Surprisingly, I think I should stay at my present bank. Why don’t you change jobs?” She leaned closer, “My girlfriend recruited me. She said once I developed a taste of GIS, I’d never leave.” “Why would a friend do that to you?” Ms. Puzzi whispered even lower. “We sign contracts. If we leave voluntarily we have to recruit TWO people to replace us.”

“So your friend, where is she now?” I asked. “Back at City Federal. She took my old job.” “Until you seemed bright I was going to try to get you to work at GIS,” she offered. “I tell you what. If I ever run into someone that I immediately hate, I will send them to you.” “It was nice to see you at GIS,” she robotically answered. “Good luck with that recruiting thing…” I said as I got up and out of the bank. Enfield City Bank looks great to me now!

Is it harder to bank now, or is it easier? I thought of opening a new account recently. The bank was named after some dude named Gary Ian Stephony. They are new to my area, so they had a big push for free checking and said they offered “the best rates in town”. I expected that they would call themselves “Stephony Bank” since the guy’s full name is a mouthful. When I entered I heard welcome to GIS Bank. Now I know you are thinking, yea, so what? The way is in
how they pronounce it. You’d think GIS would have a hard “G” like Gary and rhyme with say, “miss” as though it were spelled Giss. They use a soft “G” and it rhymes with “his”. Welcome to “Giz” bank? Yes. I had gone through the looking glass and felt that I was on the set of an “R” rated or “X” rated movie. I should have run out screaming at this point, but first I had to stop laughing. The woman who turned out to be the branch manager was not amused. This is just a wild guess, but I think she has been met with my type of response previously. Ever the professional she whizzed us (sorry I had to say that) to her office.

Of course, I am assuming it’s her office. Bank offices are so sterile it really is hard to tell. She asked how she could help me. I explained that I had seen the TV ad that said they offered “free checking and the best rates in town”. “Let’s get the checking account started,” she suggested. I looked at her name on her bank’s identification pin. “Ms. Puzzi,” I began, “I am more interested in your long term CD rates right now.” She smiled, “it is 4.1%.” “Oh,” I began, “they are not the best rates in town.” She gave me a stern look, “What does your bank give you at present?” I responded, “4.76%.” “Which bank is it?” she asked. I was puzzled. “Why would you advertise that you had the best rates in town, if YOU don’t know what you competitors charge?” I asked. “Sir, I am not from the advertising department. So what bank is it?” I am beginning to question my own sanity at this point. “If I tell you would you give me the same rate?” I inquired. “I am not an officer of the bank, so I can’t make that type of decision.” Now I know she doesn’t do advertising and I am pretty sure she did not own the bank. “So I give you the info, and then what?” I am sounding a tad sarcastic by this point. “You can’t change the ads. You can’t change the rates. Other than that whole “Welcome to GIS”, what is it that you do here?”

“Can I be honest with you, sir?” she asked. “Better than lying, I guess. Sure,” I responded. “This bank sucks. And yes I know the irony of our name and what I just said. Our short term rates are 5.1%, as an example.” “And you didn’t tell me?” I was baffled, “Why not?” “The board wants you to commit longer and pay you less,” Ms. Puzzi whispered. “Surprisingly, I think I should stay at my present bank. Why don’t you change jobs?” She leaned closer, “My girlfriend recruited me. She said once I developed a taste of GIS, I’d never leave.” “Why would a friend do that to you?” Ms. Puzzi whispered even lower. “We sign contracts. If we leave voluntarily we have to recruit TWO people to replace us.”

“So your friend, where is she now?” I asked. “Back at City Federal. She took my old job.” “Until you seemed bright I was going to try to get you to work at GIS,” she offered. “I tell you what. If I ever run into someone that I immediately hate, I will send them to you.” “It was nice to see you at GIS,” she robotically answered. “Good luck with that recruiting thing…” I said as I got up and out of the bank. Enfield City Bank looks great to me now!

Maybe I am getting carried away, but listening to a “fake radio station” should be a matter of choice. Now you realized that I spent a lot of years on the air on the radio. You also know that I am a prime believer in Tape Radio, which is “fake radio”. Here is the difference. If you want to hear WTIT you would either ask me to play you the station or ask for a tape or CD to be sent to you. It would be your choice. Listening to music in a Wal-Mart or K-Mart store is fine. It is the combination of canned DJs and even worse yet, employees announcing specials, which makes me feel like you are scratching a blackboard with your fingernails.

“Hi Wal-Mart Shoppers, that was ‘Brandy’ by Looking Glass. If you are looking for glasses search no further than Wal-Mart’s Opticians.” (Next song begins) Now a robotic employee interrupts the song because he has something important to say. “Hi-East-Windsor-Wal-Mart-Patrons. We got men’s socks two for one for the next half hour. The-men’s-socks-are-in-the-men’s department. That is two for one which is like getting a free pair.” (music starts) Let’s dissect this. I am not a patron of Wal-Mart. I am at best a reluctant customer. I mean if they hadn’t driven regional stores like Caldor’s, Ames and Lechmere out of business I would not be in this store. Two for one is like getting a pair free? It is not like that at all. It is that. And while it is extremely surprising that men’s sock are in of all places, but the men’s department, here is a suggestion. If I am at all interested tell me where you are hiding the men’s department.

Today I have really had it. A fake radio station at my Mobil station? The voice says, I swear on this, “Hi I am your talking gas pump.” My what??? “Did you know that in our convience store you can buy milk, soda and cigarettes?” I give up. What a novel store Mobil has going for themselves. I bet I can get a quick-pick in there, too. This is the dumbing down of America. Talking gas pumps. The same idiot probably thought up the idea of pumping in a fake radio station when you are on hold, when calling a business. “Did you know you could go on line to do this transaction and not be on hold?” No I have never thought of that. Computers can connect me to your business’ website? Who’d a thunk? Before I can think the announcer starts again, “Your call is very important to us. Thank you for waiting. The expected wait time is 2 days, three hours and two minutes. Now here is Looking Glass and ‘Brandy You’re a Fine Girl.’”

You have got to admit; even if you have never listened to WTIT we would at least be as good as your talking gas pump. But even if you find that we were not, you can always push the stop button.

Maybe I am getting carried away, but listening to a “fake radio station” should be a matter of choice. Now you realized that I spent a lot of years on the air on the radio. You also know that I am a prime believer in Tape Radio, which is “fake radio”. Here is the difference. If you want to hear WTIT you would either ask me to play you the station or ask for a tape or CD to be sent to you. It would be your choice. Listening to music in a Wal-Mart or K-Mart store is fine. It is the combination of canned DJs and even worse yet, employees announcing specials, which makes me feel like you are scratching a blackboard with your fingernails.

“Hi Wal-Mart Shoppers, that was ‘Brandy’ by Looking Glass. If you are looking for glasses search no further than Wal-Mart’s Opticians.” (Next song begins) Now a robotic employee interrupts the song because he has something important to say. “Hi-East-Windsor-Wal-Mart-Patrons. We got men’s socks two for one for the next half hour. The-men’s-socks-are-in-the-men’s department. That is two for one which is like getting a free pair.” (music starts) Let’s dissect this. I am not a patron of Wal-Mart. I am at best a reluctant customer. I mean if they hadn’t driven regional stores like Caldor’s, Ames and Lechmere out of business I would not be in this store. Two for one is like getting a pair free? It is not like that at all. It is that. And while it is extremely surprising that men’s sock are in of all places, but the men’s department, here is a suggestion. If I am at all interested tell me where you are hiding the men’s department.

Today I have really had it. A fake radio station at my Mobil station? The voice says, I swear on this, “Hi I am your talking gas pump.” My what??? “Did you know that in our convience store you can buy milk, soda and cigarettes?” I give up. What a novel store Mobil has going for themselves. I bet I can get a quick-pick in there, too. This is the dumbing down of America. Talking gas pumps. The same idiot probably thought up the idea of pumping in a fake radio station when you are on hold, when calling a business. “Did you know you could go on line to do this transaction and not be on hold?” No I have never thought of that. Computers can connect me to your business’ website? Who’d a thunk? Before I can think the announcer starts again, “Your call is very important to us. Thank you for waiting. The expected wait time is 2 days, three hours and two minutes. Now here is Looking Glass and ‘Brandy You’re a Fine Girl.’”

You have got to admit; even if you have never listened to WTIT we would at least be as good as your talking gas pump. But even if you find that we were not, you can always push the stop button.